My Hope

What is my hope in? Where does my joy come from?

I know the Sunday School answer is Jesus, but I want that to me so much more than a Sunday School answer. I want it to be true. Completely true.

I want my hope to be in Jesus above all else. Not in my job or the ability to budget my money well. Not in my marriage or the happiness I feel in it. These things were meant to point me toward Christ not to become their own God.

I’m fighting this in my life and I pray you are too. I don’t know what you think of when you think of what gives you the most joy in life, but I pray that it’s knowing Christ more intimately apart from all other things. I want nothing else to matter to me. By God’s grace, this can be made completely true.

Moving On

This has been a hard summer for me. I feel like I’ve wilted. I’ve let the world beat me down. I’ve let depression creep closer and fear and frustration weigh heavily.

No more. This is not the life I’ve been called to live. It’s not one of love or joy. I have not been given a spirit of fear. I don’t need to have this constant pit of anxiety about the future. My hope is secure. I am confident not in my own strength to get through the day, but in the strength of Christ to sustain me.

I still struggle. I face challenges that seem to break my spirit daily, but I have hope in a God that has not left me. He is with me in these plights and in Jesus I know He feels my pain. Yet, my struggles and challenges are soooo small compared to the daily challenges of many in the world. Instead of using my energy to fret about my life, I’m praying for others. Knowing that God is at work in all things and all things will be made new.

 

Where have I been?

I know, I know. My blogging is suffering majorly this year. I’ve been busier. My mind has been cloudier and I haven’t known what to say.

What I do know about this season is that God has been exceedingly abundant in grace in my life. I am so grateful for this season – even amidst the trials and even amidst the frustration and heartache God has faithfully provided for me more than I could ever dream. While he hasn’t made the season ahead much clearer, he has provided a hope that can not be vanquished and a confidence that can not be shaken.

I can rejoice with those who are pregnant in the season and yet long for the day I’ll be a mom with confidence in God’s timing.

I can endure in the midst of great frustrations trusting in God’s provision in my life in the last year and in the years to come.

I can long for the day when so many of my friends will be gathered together and I can rejoice in the fact that technology today allows me to keep up with so many of them while making new wonderful friends on the West Coast too.

I am so grateful for what God is teaching me in this season and for the ways I’m being challenged to grow and change and serve and lead. I continue to pray for change in my life and the life of others too.

Just a few thoughts from a jumbled mind. Back to regular blogging soon!

In sickness and in health

I have been down for the count all week. I have had the summer cold that will not die all week. It’s been miserable. I’ve had to let my body rest when all I want to do is go and do. It’s been hard. Summer colds are the worst and this one has been pretty rough.

But, this is not a blog post is about me. This is a blog post about my amazing husband. He’s simply the best. He has taken care of my stiffly, wheezy, frustrated self all week. He’s made me tea and brought me medicine and asked me so many  times how he could help me. He didn’t even think about all of the things I couldn’t do for him – the meals I couldn’t make and the apartment I couldn’t clean. He took care of so much this week so I could rest and recuperate.

I am so blessed to have the such an amazing husband. Everyone should have someone like him in their life to take care of them on rough days.

Fighting for Joy

I’ve let situations take ahold of my brain. I’ve let the day to day fester in my brain like a cancer. It’s holding me down. Halting me from what I deeply desire.

Joy. Life to the fullest. Joy that can only come from Christ.

Have you ever done this? Felt the pit of hopeless, dread, anger, sadness and not been able to fight against it? To feel defeated? It’s the worst.

To know in your head that your desires, your hopes, your security, your life is found in Christ but to feel the weight of the mundane situations in your life drag down your passions. It’s simply terrible.

I’m putting an end to it – or rather I’m pleading that God would provide mercy that I don’t deserve – that He would intervene and that I could fight my daily struggles with my hope found securely in Christ. Knowing that these battles will be won by a God who cannot be defeated.

We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain.

 

A Hard Day’s Night

It’s been a long time since I’ve been this thankful for the weekend to arrive. It had been a long time since I’ve let the stress of my job make me physically sick. But it’s been that kind of week that just needed to end.

I’m feeling parched. I feel like I’ll cry big, ugly tears at any moment.  I can’t imagine there could be anymore welling  up in my eyes, but it feels like there could be buckets full  if I allowed it. I need this weekend. I need to de-clutter my mind from the week’s demands. It was just too much to handle and not let the weight of it bury me.

I need to spend time in prayer and in worship hoping and trusting that the week to come is not like the week I’ve had. I need to let hope and joy resurface.

I need to trust that even in the most broken of situations, I am not alone.   I need to trust. I need to trust. I need to trust. 

Thoughts on Mother’s Day

The past few years this day has been hard. Today is not different. I rejoice with other women and their celebrations of motherhood, but inside I’m crying for me.

Patience is challenging. Waiting is painful.

Somedays I can push all my desires to the background and continue to trudge forward through the work that is currently at hand, but Mother’s Day is the day when it’s simply pushed in my face. The work that I deeply desire has not yet come to pass. It’s tough to swallow some years.

You are not a mother – not this year – not to your own kids.

I rejoice knowing that one day the plan I cannot see will be seen. Whatever is waiting in the years ahead will be known to me and I rejoice that it has been planned for all eternity. I take comfort in that -knowing that I could never make a more perfect plan. I relish in these childless years and the way they are shaping me, teaching me and God willing making me the mom I’ll need to be.