Pregnancy at (almost) 28 weeks

I never use this blog anymore unless I need a place to capture some major thoughts. Writing stuff down is always how I process and I needed a place to catalogue these thoughts so I can remember them in the years to come and (hopefully) laugh at myself. Anyways…

I always knew that pregnancy was hard. I watched my friends for years struggle with all the fun symptoms that this stage of life brings as they brought their little ones into the world. I knew when they told me (repeatedly) that you never really know how hard it is until you do it that they were right. It looked hard, but they made it look doable too. (Probably because I didn’t see them at home as they struggled with odd shaped pregnancy pillows or the zillion other weird pregnancy things.)

Now, at the beginning of my third trimester I know how hard this is and I can feel how much harder it gets each day. My first trimester, like many, was full of sickness. If I could keep a piece of toast down (which most days I couldn’t) it was a good day. Each week I felt the mental and physical exhaustion that this tiny life was creating. And while the physical exhaustion was so, so real (hello, 5 p.m. naps!) the mental exhaustion was so much more challenging than I ever knew possible. Being sick all the time and still having to make it to work on time was a huge struggle. I cried a lot and about nothing. But I took comfort in the fact that the second trimester was supposed to get easier.

And it did. I feel better and had more energy. Got tons done at work and the mental exhaustion started to clear. I had a small scare at my 20 week ultrasound, but after (waaaay) too much googling and some reassurance from my doctor I felt at piece with everything that was so obviously out of my control. But, as a I sit on the edge of the third trimester a thick, thick depression has formed. I’ve cried a lot more than I knew possible this week as I waited in labs and got so many blood draws that my arms look like I’ve taken up an illicit recreational activity. I waited for results and prayed that I wouldn’t have gestational diabetes. I mean, how could I?! I’m youngish, I was super active before my pregnancy, I still worked out and had lots of energy and  I didn’t eat too crazy (even if I do love ice cream on occasion.) I was wrong. I felt like my body had betrayed me. I felt like shocked. Apparently, young, seemingly healthy people can end up with gestational diabetes too. And apparently my scare at 20 weeks made my likelihood a bit more than most.

I sat on phone calls and got scheduled for a zillion appointments. Searched Pinterest until I was blue in the face. Listened to the nurse tell me my pregnancy was high-risk and my child could be stillborn. But mostly, I prayed. I prayed through walls and walls of tears that in this God would be glorified. That with every week that passed I would feel the idolatry of control leaving my body. That I would know that food is not God and that I feel at peace as I planned my approved meals and went to all my new appointments. That I wouldn’t worry about how much sick time I’m using or if I’ll have to be induced. That in this I would know God more deeply and trust him more fully than if this hadn’t shocked my system that radically reoriented the end of my pregnancy.

I can feel this little boy kick (ouch!) as I write this and I’m so happy that he is strong and active and that in 11ish weeks he’ll likely be living on the outside. So even as I prick my finger and eat all the kale in the world, I know that every day is closer to meeting this little person, to seeing his face, and telling him how much I love him. So I continue on, albeit a little teary and looking forward to the end of pregnancy for precious cuddles (and a scoop of ice cream) but I know that God is changing me and I hope I’m a better mom to my son because of it, but more importantly I hope I know even more the sufficiency of Christ in all things.

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Cultural Defeatism

I recently had a conversation about American culture with an acquaintance. It was an interesting  to listen to this person, with a different perspective that I, lament about the problems they see in American today.

As I listened, I couldn’t help but hear the overwhelming defeatist attitude. “That’s just the way our culture is going,” I heard over and over again. “Nothing we can do to change it.”

I refuse to have this mindset. I refuse to sit back and let the culture I love and the country I (mostly) love decay away. Now, I’m far from idealistic. (Some might even say I’m too pessimistic)  I think America can change. I I don’t think these changes will come overnight. I don’t think these changes will be easy. (Is any change easy)  If I’m honest, I might not even live to see these changes happen. The American culture may very well continue to decay on its path with no end in sight.

But, what I am optimistic about is that all things are being redeemed and will be redeemed in time. I might not see it now, but I can see glimpses of this truth everywhere and I have faith to know this is true.

I know I am not doing my part. I am not bold enough when I need to be. I can no longer sit idly by. I need to be effecting our culture in all of the ways I live my life. I need to think about what this looks like in my life and I need to pursue it voraciously.

I will not be defeated because Christ will not be defeated.

Love in the New Year

I’ve been thinking a lot about a theme for my year. I know it’s new year’s resolution time and sure I could say I plan to work out or eat better, but I want to really focus on something more than that (not that those aren’t great goals.) I know some families that have themes for their year and I think it’s a great way to intentionally focus on something you want to work on for the year.

After reading this blog post, I’ve decided my theme will be to pursue love. I want to understand love in a deeper way, to know God’s love more profoundly and to love more than I have before. I want to love those I know and those I don’t know, both at home and afar more. I want this to be a year shaped by the love I know and the love I want to share. I’m praying that this will be a year that I learn to love in new ways.

What do you want your year to be about?

Life Stages

In the last week or two Facebook blew up with life changes – pregnancies, homes purchased, babies born. Much congratulations to all of these friends.

Anytime these seasons come where I’m celebrating these sort of next step life changes, I get a bit melancholy. Some days I am so glad to have this season to support Taylor during his schooling, to explore and travel, to study and learn before my life is blessed with the busyness of babies. I love having this time to help those that are in that season already.

But some days, if I let my mind wander, I get carried away by my desire to be in that stage already.  I fight myself wandering the baby section of Target when I know it’s not good for my head – and a bit of a waste of time. I know there is a time for everything and one day, I’ll realize how much I needed this season to prepare me for the one to come, but not every day is easy. Sometimes I just get impatient, but I know that waiting for the right timing for the things that are to come and even being okay with things not working out how I imagined is what’s best for me in the end.

 

A life too small

I’ve realized over the last month that I’ve thought of my life to small. Maybe, I’ve always thought of my life as too small. I’m not a risk taker, which may lead to a world and life that is smaller than I should be dreaming.  Not only did I imagine my life in such a small view, I imagined God much smaller in the process.

I’m experiencing things in my new California life that I never dreamed I’d get to experience. As a kid growing up in Orlando, I remember dreaming of a day that I’d go to Disneyland, which now seems strange when you realize how much smaller it is than Disney World. But, last week when I was at Disneyland, I felt the sense that I never thought I’d be there and I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately.

I was sad when I realized we were leaving behind our life in Tallahassee, but now I realize I was sad that I was leaving my comfort and security. But God’s plans were so much better and bigger than I could have ever imagined. I’m learning to embrace the unknown and realize that even if I don’t know where the road is leading that the world on the other side may just be worth the sacrifice.

Leaving!

I think I’m finally to the point where I’m no longer holding on to the vestige of living in Florida. I’m ready to move. I’m so tired of packing and planning and ready to find my new normal in California. I’ve given up my sadness (mostly) and traded it in for excitement and curiosity. I’m trying to battle my anxiety with trust and hope. Most days, by the grace of God, it’s working.

I’m overwhelmed by the goodness of this week and the opportunity to have THREE interviews while I’m not even in California yet. I am praising God for his provision in all of this and trusting that it will work out.  I’m praying for more jobs to apply for and more interviews and of course the perfect job (for this season) to come quickly. (Pray for my job search!)

I’m sure my blog will be silent for the next week or so as I move across the country. But don’t worry, I’ll be taking pictures and trying to take it all in to report back!

 

On Traveling Across America: Part 1

In less than 3 week my husband and I will be traveling across America to our new life in California.

If you know me, you know that this does not excite me. Nothing about three days in a car seems excellent to me. I’m more of a fly there and get there already kind of girl. (Really aren’t we all? My impatience is showing a bit, I know.)

I am trying to be optimistic about these three days.

I’m excited for three days with my husband and so thankful that I don’t have to do this alone. I’m excited for all of the hours to spend talking, listening to music and sermons and praying for lots of stuff. It will be good solid time that I should feel blessed to receive.

I’m excited to see so much of America and see the landscape change. I hope this will be a great opportunity to marvel in the beautiful of the God’s creation and the variety of the landscape of America.

I will let you know how our trip goes and what I learn on the journey.