Fighting for Joy

I’ve let situations take ahold of my brain. I’ve let the day to day fester in my brain like a cancer. It’s holding me down. Halting me from what I deeply desire.

Joy. Life to the fullest. Joy that can only come from Christ.

Have you ever done this? Felt the pit of hopeless, dread, anger, sadness and not been able to fight against it? To feel defeated? It’s the worst.

To know in your head that your desires, your hopes, your security, your life is found in Christ but to feel the weight of the mundane situations in your life drag down your passions. It’s simply terrible.

I’m putting an end to it – or rather I’m pleading that God would provide mercy that I don’t deserve – that He would intervene and that I could fight my daily struggles with my hope found securely in Christ. Knowing that these battles will be won by a God who cannot be defeated.

We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain.



A Hard Day’s Night

It’s been a long time since I’ve been this thankful for the weekend to arrive. It had been a long time since I’ve let the stress of my job make me physically sick. But it’s been that kind of week that just needed to end.

I’m feeling parched. I feel like I’ll cry big, ugly tears at any moment.  I can’t imagine there could be anymore welling  up in my eyes, but it feels like there could be buckets full  if I allowed it. I need this weekend. I need to de-clutter my mind from the week’s demands. It was just too much to handle and not let the weight of it bury me.

I need to spend time in prayer and in worship hoping and trusting that the week to come is not like the week I’ve had. I need to let hope and joy resurface.

I need to trust that even in the most broken of situations, I am not alone.   I need to trust. I need to trust. I need to trust. 

Thoughts on Mother’s Day

The past few years this day has been hard. Today is not different. I rejoice with other women and their celebrations of motherhood, but inside I’m crying for me.

Patience is challenging. Waiting is painful.

Somedays I can push all my desires to the background and continue to trudge forward through the work that is currently at hand, but Mother’s Day is the day when it’s simply pushed in my face. The work that I deeply desire has not yet come to pass. It’s tough to swallow some years.

You are not a mother – not this year – not to your own kids.

I rejoice knowing that one day the plan I cannot see will be seen. Whatever is waiting in the years ahead will be known to me and I rejoice that it has been planned for all eternity. I take comfort in that -knowing that I could never make a more perfect plan. I relish in these childless years and the way they are shaping me, teaching me and God willing making me the mom I’ll need to be.