If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time you know that I struggle with anxiety. I go through seasons of deep and sometimes debilitating anxiety that is so thick I can’t breathe or move or think. Some days aren’t so bad. Most aren’t. I’ve never been medicated for any kind of anxiety, although I’m sure many doctors would jump to give me medication if I asked. I just don’t think it’s for me. (I’m not against medication, it’s just a personal choice for me right now.)
When I think about my anxiety, I know that it stems from a lack of control. (There are other things that trigger my anxiety, but I think this is the most important part of it.) When I have the clarity to think about it, I know that it is foolish. I know that I am not in control and I don’t want to be, but still the anxiety builds from within me. I know that its is sinful and even if I can’t control it like I want, I am repentant of it.
Sometimes, I can keep it at bay. I pray about it often and I’m encouraged by the commands of scripture not to fear. But, I’ve never been able to keep it fully away. I hate it not only for how it feels (think masses of hot stones building up like tiny bricks inside) but for how it makes me react and treat others. I want to love others even when I am feeling the anxiety build inside of me. I want to be able to ask for help when I need it.
In times like these, I am always encouraged by my husband who loves me in spite of my flaws and is committed to serving me even when it isn’t easy. If you suffer from this kind of anxiety, I hope you have someone like that to help you too. I’m a firm believer that we can’t do life alone.
Every day is a new. God doesn’t see the anxiety I gave into. He doesn’t see the ugliness it creates in me, but He understands and there is hope even on the days when the anxiety is too much to take.